There are times when it feels like the answer to a problem cannot be found. And complaining about the issue does not result in a resolution. I admit there have been moments when I just wanted to indulge in my own suffering and retell the woe is me story. This tale has a plot where we are the main characters—the stars—and this makes us feel important. And by telling these scenarios, we also receive empathy, and sometimes agreement, and that validates our opinions. It’s time to let go of complaining.

“Complaining is one of the ego’s favorite strategies for strengthening itself. Every complaint is a little story the mind makes up that you completely believe in.” — Eckhart Tolle, spiritual teacher, writer, speaker

Complaining is the result of a dissatisfaction of something or someone, which has generated negative thoughts. We gripe about things not within our control, and often others’ behaviors. For example, if we’re driving down the road and someone cuts in front of us, we can think they are selfish or impatient, or feel superior. Or a slow barista may give the impression that the customer’s wait time is not important. In these incidents, we assume we could do a better job. Criticizing others creates an “I know best” attitude and is not a constructive mental state.

Complaining and The Brain

Complaining is a normal human response but it is not good for the brain. Travis Bradberry, co-author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, states at Entrepreneur.com, “Complaining damages other areas of your brain as well. Research from Stanford University has shown that complaining shrinks the hippocampus—an area of the brain that’s critical to problem solving and intelligent thought.”1 He goes on to share that it is also not good for your health because it releases the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol makes your blood pressure rise and impairs your immune system, which can lead to disease.2

Complaining is a lower level emotion. When we complain, it puts us in Pity City (PC). You can visit Pity City, but you can’t live there. On the road trip to PC, we prefer company to tag along and agree with us because this increases our feeling of importance and bolsters the ego’s belief that “I am right.” And when others are living in this city, they want us to come and visit them. But don’t go there. It is like falling down the rabbit hole. No one is helped by traveling this road. I know this from personal experience, because I have followed plenty of people on a trip to PC. Sometimes it is hard not to follow. We may think we’re being a good friend by sharing this negative space, but are we really? Good choices are not made when we are stuck in a state of whining, anger, or envy. Better solutions don’t present themselves in this lower terrain.

Solutions to Help You Let Go of Complaining

Bradberry offers two solutions to complaining. One is to cultivate gratitude, because it decreases cortisol levels by 23 percent.3 And the second is, if you must complain, do so by engaging in solution-oriented complaining: have a clear purpose, be positive, be specific, and end on a positive note.4 Positive thinking brings clarity, helping to deliver better results. By stating a clear intention regarding the problem and focusing on finding a solution—rather than complaining about the circumstances—answers will unfold and a more productive outcome can be reached. To arrive on the mountaintop, we need to leave the valley of complaints to bring solutions to light.

“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” — Albert Einstein, German theoretical physicist, Nobel Prize for Physics 1921

There are times when I have to physically move around or change my environment to find a solution. Just walking outside or doing something different can bring in a new idea. I have found when I concentrate too hard on solving a problem, I block the answer. An example is trying to remember a person’s name or song title. The name is in my head, and it is right there, but I can’t reach it. When I stop concentrating on it, often the answer unexpectantly appears. If a problem has been around for a while, a resolution may take some time to emerge, so patience is needed. Every solution journey starts by taking the first step.

Gossiping

Gossip is talking about another who is not present. Why do we gossip? It bonds us to others by feeling that we fit in or share the same views. It is also a way to share what is happening in our social world. Most of the time gossip is not bad, such as when we are talking about someone who just got married, had a baby, or received a promotion. But if the dialogue is not useful or hurtful, then it should be avoided. Negative gossiping is just complaining in different clothes. It is toxic and provides nothing beneficial. Why do we engage in this activity? Do we condemn another’s actions because we think we know better? Does this make us feel important?

We have all heard people gossiping about someone in their life. I observed two women at a café talking unfavorably about a co-worker. I wondered how it would feel if I knew the person they were talking about? This behavior only drags the gossiper and those around them down. How can we criticize someone else when we don’t know the whole story? There may be a reason they acted the way they did. And really, it is not our concern. Regrettably, I, too, have been involved in negative talk about others and it never felt good. Gossiping is spreading rumors, which are oftentimes false, and this only creates more of the same situation. I have noticed that people who heavily engage in this activity are some of the very people others gossip about. Like attracts like. Don’t go into this space. As the old saying goes, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

“What goes in your mouth should be good for you, what comes out should be good for others.” — Baylor Barbee, American author, speaker, triathlete

Avoid this ugly talk by examining the intention behind it. Will this conversation help or hinder? And would we say these comments directly to the person? If not, change the subject.

Finding Answers

We all have problems and issues in our lives, it’s inevitable. But when we can put our egos aside and get out of the negative space, solutions can be found. And maybe that’s just what Glinda in The Wizard of Oz was trying to tell Dorothy, “You’ve always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.”

Maybe we have to experience problems because, by understanding what we don’t want, we have clearer insight into what we do want. This knowledge helps us to learn, evolve, and recognize our blessings. And that, I believe, is the gift. In finding the hidden answers, we learn so much more and discover the silver lining. The solution is hidden inside us. It just needs to be discovered.

Exercise: Seek a Solution

Sit down with a notebook or piece of paper and write down a problem or a challenge in the center of the paper. Draw a circle around the challenge and put lines around the circle, like a child’s drawing of the sun. This technique is called Mind Mapping and helps to “map” ideas to solutions.

First take a few deep breaths to center yourself and calm the mind. Then start writing down whatever comes to mind on the lines around the circle. You may find one or more solutions. If not, imagine what the opposite of your problem would look like, and write down the steps to achieve it. Some challenges can be dealt with quickly and others will take time. You can’t lose ten pounds overnight or run a marathon tomorrow, but a new journey can begin today.

Photo by Omar Prestwich on Unsplash

1. Travis Bradberry, “How Complaining Rewires Your Brain For Negativity,” Entrepreneur, September 9, 2016, https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/281734.

2. Ibid.

3. Ibid.

4. Ibid.