Key Takeaways:
- Forcing yourself to “just be grateful” can make you feel worse.
- Research shows accepting hard feelings supports well-being.
- Real gratitude can sit right next to grief, worry, or disappointment.
- One small word, “and,” can change how you hold a hard year.
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
November arrives, and suddenly everyone is “so blessed” and talking about gratitude. The posts. The gratitude jars. The table where everyone shares what they’re thankful for.
But what if this year was hard? Maybe the house went quiet when the kids left. Maybe you lost someone. Or maybe your body, your job, or your marriage changed in ways you didn’t choose.
If gratitude feels fake right now, you’re not broken. You’re honest. And honesty is the best place to start.
Why Forced Gratitude Backfires
We’ve all heard or said it. “Just think positive.” “Count your blessings.” “Others have it worse.” I know I have.
The intention is kind. But when you’re hurting, those words can feel like a door closing. You may feel like you’re being judged or they just don’t understand. Now you’re sad and you may even feel guilty for being sad.
Research points to a better way. A 2018 study by Brett Ford and colleagues, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that people who accept their difficult emotions, instead of judging them, report better psychological health over time. Pushing feelings away doesn’t make them leave. I’ve found this to be true. Making room to understand them is what helped me through.
Think of it like a houseguest. The more you fight to keep the door shut, the louder they knock. Let them in, offer a chair, and they settle down.
Gratitude works the same way. It doesn’t have to cancel out the hard stuff. It can sit beside it.
This I know from experience. When my husband unexpectedly died, followed by a house fire three weeks later in November, The Gratitude Month. I felt lost, broken, and fell into a deep depression. Instead of ignoring my feelings, I felt all of them. It was the most difficult time in my life. I knew if I didn’t surrender to them, they would appear later, and I might not recognize it later as hidden grief.
I was feeling “Why Me?” Then I read something that stopped me: “Why not you and not the neighbor next door?”
Bad things don’t happen because we deserve them. They happen to everyone.
Honest Gratitude Can Take Time
I want you to know that finding gratitude didn’t happen overnight, nor should it have. I needed to feel my emotions to process them and I found a good therapist that helped me work through everything I was going through. It took quite a long time to start noticing small things that were still good, like my wonderful daughter. Or when a hummingbird joined me on a walk which brought a sense of awe. That was noticing the good. And it felt real.
Then another small thing, and another. Family. Friends. Moments of unexpected beauty, especially in nature. I realized I was more blessed than I could see from inside the pain.
I still wish it hadn’t happened. But all of it made me a stronger, kinder human.
Even though it’s been many years, I know the grief will always be there, because it shows how much I loved him. I still miss my husband, and I’m so thankful for the life we shared. A love like that is a true gift.
The “And” Practice: 3 Simple Steps
The AND practice takes a few minutes. Use a journal, notebook, computer, or a sticky note to write down the below.
- Name one hard thing. Be honest. “I miss my kids being home.” “This year wore me out.” “I’m scared about what’s next.”
- Name one thing that carried you. A friend who called just to check in. A morning walk. Your own stubborn strength. (That’s me.) All things count, no matter how small.
- Join them with “and.” Not “but” because “but” erases the first half. “And” honors both.
“This year was hard, and I’m grateful for my morning walks.”
“I miss the noise of a full house, and I’m grateful for the quiet time to rediscover me.”
“I can be scared about what’s next and excited at the same time.”
Try it once a day this week. Notice what shifts. You’re not pretending the hard thing away. You’re simply widening the frame so it includes the good, too.
Bonus for Thanksgiving: If the “what are you thankful for” moment makes you tense or uncomfortable, use your “and” sentence. It’s true, it’s kind, and no one has to know how much it took to say it.
Your Next Step
You don’t need a perfect year to feel grateful. You need one honest sentence and a little practice.
Ready to go deeper? Get your FREE guide: How to Create More Happiness With Gratitude. It’s quick to read and simple to use, with easy ways to make gratitude feel real again. Claim your free guide here!
Looking for a daily nudge, or a meaningful hostess gift? The Gratitude 101 Journal gives you a few minutes a day to notice what’s good. Find it on Amazon.
Your turn: What’s your “and” sentence this year? Share it in the comments. Someone else might need to read it.
FAQs
Start small and stay honest. Name the hard thing first, then one thing that helped you through it. Join them with “and.” Gratitude doesn’t have to replace your pain to be real. It can live beside it.
Yes. Feelings aren’t a test you pass or fail. Accepting where you are is often the first step toward feeling lighter.
It’s the pressure to stay upbeat no matter what, which pushes real feelings aside. Healthy gratitude makes room for both the hard and the good.
