Most of us have been sold the idea that happiness is the ultimate goal in life. But what if we’ve been chasing the wrong thing? Maybe we should have been chasing peace and contentment instead.
Happiness is a wonderful feeling; there is no denying that. However, it’s fleeting, often tied to external circumstances we can’t control. On the other hand, peace and contentment are more sustainable because they live inside us. And the beautiful paradox is this: when we nurture peace and contentment, happiness tends to show up more easily.
Why Happiness Can’t Be a Constant
Unrealistic goal: Expecting to be happy all the time is unrealistic and sets us up for disappointment. Life is filled with ups, downs, and everything in between. The more we can roll with this, the less stress we create.
Healthy emotions: Sadness, frustration, and hurt are part of being human, not something to avoid. When we distinguish what we are feeling, what psychologists call emotional granularity—the precise labeling of emotions—we get better at regulating them.
For example, if we can take a main emotion, like sadness, and narrow it down to disappointment or sorrow, we can discover what is triggering this emotion, which allows us to respond instead of react. Being able to identify what emotion(s) we are feeling is a skill we can build. When we do, we lessen stress and anxiety and improve resilience and overall well-being.
Pressure backfires: Telling ourselves we “should” feel happy adds unnecessary stress. Instead of honoring the moment, we deny our reality. So don’t give yourself pressure to feel differently. Accept it so you can process and move through it.
Choosing Peace and Contentment
Peace is the quiet anchor beneath life’s waves. Contentment is the gentle acceptance of what is. Unlike happiness, they don’t require a perfect day or perfect life. They’re states we can practice.
Feel your feelings: Suppressing emotions is like putting a lid on a boiling pot—it will eventually explode. Allowing yourself to feel creates release and healing.
Shift the story: When your mind spirals into rumination loops or thoughts of “why am I not happy?” take a moment and ask:
- Why am I feeling like this?
- Is this even true?
- What small action can I take now to pause the loop?
Often, rumination is a story we’ve invented, not a fact. I’ve found many times it’s what I think other people are thinking, instead of what they actually are. Untruths and miscommunication happen in rumination.
Remember, life changes: Every emotion, like every season, passes. Nothing lasts forever. Even when the moment feels heavy, remind yourself: this too shall pass.
Practical Ways to Cultivate Peace and Contentment
- Daily grounding: Start or end your day with a few minutes of silence, meditation, deep breathing, or prayer. It calms the nervous system and creates inner steadiness.
- Gratitude practice: Noticing small blessings trains the brain toward peace and contentment. Neuroscience shows gratitude rewires the brain for positivity so you start seeing more things to be grateful for.
- Simplify: Peace often arrives when we reduce the external noise, like unnecessary commitments, comparisons, or clutter.
- Do more of what feels good. Take time during the day to do things that bring you joy and lessen activities that don’t.
- Self-kindness: Speak to yourself as you would a dear friend. Peace comes from acceptance, not perfection.
A New Goal to Live By
This of happiness as a visitor and peace and contentment as companions. When we stop chasing constant happiness and instead cultivate inner steadiness, life becomes richer, more authentic, more balanced, and surprisingly joyful.
So, the next time you feel pressure to “just be happy,” release it. Choose peace. Choose contentment. When you do, happiness will find its way to you.
✨ Reflection Prompt:
What small shift can you make today that will bring you closer to peace?
- Simplify and let go of what doesn’t serve you
- Breathe deep from the diaphragm and exhale slowly
- Speak kindly to yourself
- Be grateful for what you already have in your life
For more on emotional intelligence and granularity, read https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/202403/the-truth-about-emotional-intelligence
Six keys to living a better life: https://lynnlokpayne.com/live-your-best-life-6-pillar-to-create-a-full-happy-life/
